a boy

early in the fall, i found a boy.  well really, he found me, and chased me.

and i fell for him. i liked him he was special.  i even waited to sleep with him.

we had only eachother, i didn't sleep around, we talked, we started to know each other.

andthen suddenly, as the leaves started to turn, started to fall, so quickly, i lost him.  still in love with his ex, i wasn't her, she didn't want him, i wasn't enough, he couldn't do it, something.

i still miss that boy, lost something i never got a chance to really have.

ironic, that now i'm sleeping with another boy, whom last fall showed me that i had it in me, i could actually like someone, not heartless, i discovered.

he managed to touch it, and then pulled away. i liked him, but it wasn't right, i wasn't her, he couldn't do it, something like that again.

now i have him (somewhat), and real feelings are gone and it's lost and i'm lost and we really are only friends, but that's nice, for what it is, but still i'm lost, i'm insecure, unsure.

one hundred and four pounds, which used to be kind of okay and i feel humongous. early in the morning you see bones, you see thin, hours pass you feel like the biggest thing in the room you can't see it, i can't see it will i ever? does it end? girls fall to this in their teens and seven, ten years later it still defines them for themselves, they can't get rid of it, can't let go of it, don't want to, what else is there? how can i live like this forever? but how can i let go when i'm not thin enough yet? why would i let go, what good could it do me?

well

christmas can suck it,
because i just hit another goal weight.
helloo 104 lbs.

my mind is all over the place

so sorry for the randomness of this post.
christmas over, it was good, i ate enough for mummy to be happy. oh also she got me a vegetarian cookbook and the materials you need to make/eat your own sushi. i feel like she just doesn't know what to do to make me eat so that's her way of hoping i'll try to be healthy. lolthanksfortryingmom.
she knows i haven't been eating meals though, and she only said something the other day when i lied to her about eating breakfast and she was like "why did you lie to me? you didn't eat breakfast. is it because you didn't want me to bother you about eating?" bingo! i just sat there and avoided her eyes not saying anything...so for two out of the past three days she knows i haven't eaten meals, but hasn't said a thing. maybe she's just given up? i don't really believe that though, and it'll probably blow up in my face pretty soon.
luckily though, i'm getting my tonsils out in a week, so i won't be able to eat anything except popsicles for a while anyway. i'm gonna milk it until the end of break (january 18) and basically just make my way up to eating soup by the time i go back to school.  also i haven't gained in the week i've been home (haven't lost though either), still at steady 105.5. but that's amazing considering i haven't been this low since senior year.  woohoo.

anyway. my mind is everywhere and i'm like super-relapsing/back into my old habits, not that anything was ever normal really, it's just that right now i'm actually successful.
things that haven't helped with me not wanting to lose and not eat:    the boy i'm hooking up with telling me last week that he loves that i'm so small (&telling me i'm pretty, aw), and literally just picking me up off the bed and placing me standing on the floor, with no help from me. i can't even fake fight with him, i'm too little i have no power. andd like the rest of you i totally love it. also all the attention he's giving me (textingwhatt) even though we're on break. planning to hang out over break.   people noticing, and telling me i'm "looking thin" and asking if i've been eating. haven't they learned it just makes you want it more?     seeing serious hip bones, ribs all the time, arms with real shape instead of doughy blobs, elbows, really skinny wrists.    actually losing weight

things i remember now: nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.  i actually like feeling hungry. going to bed hungry is the best feeling.  losing, seeing a lower number on the scale, gives you the most fulfilling feeling in the world, it is success. when you're thinner, you're prettier.  clothes that normally fit feeling loose really does happen. unfortunately, not being able to sleep does come with this (remember to try to get at least 6 hours though for your metabolism to keep working right!!).  THERE IS NOTHING THAT FEELS BETTER THAN LOSING, nothing.

&&that is our reality.  &i am so happy to feel like i am really back.
bingeing does not exist in my world anymore.  starvation and success only.
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

ah, home for the holidays...

i think my mother took my brother and me out to dinner at an italian place tonight on purpose,
so she could watch me eat cheesy, calorie-filled food, and make sure i ate today.
ugh the ultimate downside to being home for winter break.
&tomorrow? she has plans for cookie baking with us.

but i was really good on my own today, i only ate some vegetables besides the dinner she made me eat.
god i'm such a bitch.
but whatever, i don't want to get caught this month that i'm home, so i'll play along the days that i have to, and all the others i'll just starve, starve, starve.
my body just wants to drop the weight, it's dropping off kind of quickly these days.
so close to being back in the double digits. can't wait.

love&luck to all of you, especially with the holidays & how stressful it can be to deal with gatherings with food, people always around, being stuck with parents for too many hours in which you should be eating,
we'll get through it,
<3 kirstyn

oh and ps. i'm the lowest weight i've been in the past year and a half. !!!!! how is this finally reality?
AND only 9 lbs away from my stagnant low weight from junior year of high school.
&some days it feels like no effort, none at all.

merry christmas, from victoria's secret

woops

apparently i can't lose 5 pounds without everyone i know asking me if i'm not eating.
woops, guess i'm not. fuck you all for noticing.

i want thin, kthanks.